How to teach a child to hear the first time?

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1-3 years
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Psychologists say that with the onset of cold weather, parents increasingly repeat the phrase “Put on your hat!”, and children wear this hat less and less often. And these disputes arise not because the child does not hear, but because he fundamentally does not want to hear. How to make children comply with their parents' requests? We decided to protect children's ears and parental nerves and identified 5 ways to talk to a child so that he hears everything the first time.

Descend from the throne of the great Parent

Get off, get off! Otherwise nothing will work. When a child is very small and just begins to crawl, everything around him seems huge. But nature has arranged everything in such a way that the closest people - mom and dad - carry the baby in their arms almost the entire first year of life, thereby raising his view of the world to the level of his vision. As soon as the child begins to walk, grows, acquires his own character and behavioral characteristics, many parents forget about this meter of difference in their vision of the world and from the height of their flight look at the baby and communicate with him from top to bottom. Hence, the parent’s speech often also takes on an imperative character and a commanding tone. After all, “who, if not me, will teach him,” “I’m older,” “I have a lot of life experience, baby, and you’re still so small and naive,” etc. Perhaps this is really true. But try to get down to your baby's level. Simply physically lower your body and look your child in the eyes. You will definitely notice that a phrase spoken from the height of your parental flight and the same phrase spoken to a child eye to eye sounds completely different. More precisely, the child’s attitude towards the perception of this phrase changes.

Try asking your child to put away toys without standing there looking dandy or shouting from the kitchen, but by looking at him. Look at the house in the nursery together, evaluate the mess with your eyes... But be sure to be together and be sure to look into each other’s eyes.

Typical problems

The list of situations when a child behaves inappropriately is very long.

Below are 5 typical examples of child disobedience, each of which has its own prerequisites and age limits:

The child demonstrates dangerous behavior . It often happens that after repeated warnings, a two-year-old baby breaks out of his mother’s arms during a walk, grabs sharp objects, etc. Naturally, such actions are exhausting.
The child protests . The child responds to any mother’s demand or request with resistance, protest, and hysteria. He doesn’t want to get dressed, sit down at the table, or return from a walk. This behavior often occurs in children as young as 3 years old and even as young as 4 years old.
The child disturbs others . Even at 5 years old, children can behave simply unbearably: screaming and running in public places, pushing and kicking. As a result, the mother is very ashamed of the dissatisfied looks and comments of people around her. Most often, by the age of 7, this problem completely disappears.
The child ignores his parents . When asked by adults to get dressed and clean their room, children respond with silence and ignoring words addressed to them. This behavior is especially typical at the age of 10 and older, when teenage rebellion begins.
The child demands to buy him something . Such actions are more typical for younger preschool children. At 4 years old, children can loudly demand and insist on purchasing an expensive toy or some kind of sweet.

To solve such problems, there are educational techniques that are designed to make the child more obedient. But before describing them, you need to figure out why children do not obey.

Be consistent in your requests

Remember that your child will always be a reflection of you.

It is not enough for him to hear you, he must see, feel and perceive what is said through the senses and emotionally.

So, for example, a mother and her daughter are about to leave as guests. Mom says to her daughter: “Lena, it’s time to get dressed.” The phrase was said eye to eye, and the child definitely heard it. But then my mother’s friend offers to finish the pie, look at another photo, write down the recipe for that same pie... As a result, my mother doesn’t get dressed herself, stalls for time, but at the same time repeats and repeats: “Lena, are you ready?” The child sees that the mother has not even begun to get dressed, and next time she will not listen to such requests, therefore, if the phrase has already been spoken and heard, act in accordance with what was said to the child and set an example yourself.

How to teach your child to hear you the first time

Montessori teacher Christina Klemer was puzzled by the questions “why the child does not respond to repeated requests, and what to do about it” and came to the conclusion that repeating the same thing is pointless: it does not help. And here’s why: endless repetitions convey an important message to the child - you don’t have to listen to your mother the first time, because she’ll tell you a hundred times.

“Bunny, please wash your hands,” you say affectionately. Silence. “Dinner is on the table, wash your hands,” the second slightly louder, but calm attempt. Silence. - Wash your hands now! I know you can hear me! - It’s already quite loud. And again the answer was nothing. Do you recognize the script?

Such scenes teach the child only one thing: you can do nothing while the mother is calm and adequate, but when she starts yelling, then, perhaps, it’s worth doing something. It's completely normal if you lose your temper: being a broken record isn't exactly fun. And when a simple request makes you feel like a parrot, it's no surprise that it ends in an angry scream. And in the end, after yelling at your child over trifles, you get upset and angry with yourself. No matter how many times you promise yourself to control yourself, this is impossible in life if literally every request is completely ignored.

Okay, repeating the same thing over and over again is not the answer. Is there an alternative?

Here's what you need to do so that your child learns to hear the first time.

Use other methods to attract attention

Approach your child, wait for a break in the game, touch him and look into his eyes. Now all attention is yours, ask a question. The child, of course, can say “no,” but he certainly won’t say that you didn’t tell him. It's much harder to ignore someone who's looking you straight in the eye.

Get your request fulfilled immediately

When you realize that the child has heard you and is still silent, immediately go up to him and help him do what you ask.

- Baby, please put on your shoes. It's time to go out.

The child looked, smiled and returned to the game. Calmly approach him and say, “I see you need a little help. I can help with the boots." And the child has no choice: either he puts it on himself, or his mother helps him.

The main thing is to remain calm. Yes, it can be annoying: helping with something that the child is already able to do on his own. But over time, he will understand that you mean something specific and will be more inclined to respond to your words the first time.

Take a pause

You are a multitasking guru, why shouldn’t your child be the same? It's so simple: put away toys and wash your hands while mom is preparing dinner, or find socks and shoes while mom is looking for her keys. Unfortunately, children cannot do this. But if you slow down the child and help him focus solely on the task, then everything will work out much faster. Call your child, pause, make eye contact and slowly ask for what you want from him, counting to five until he responds. Children are much slower than adults. Sometimes they need to slow down to think about and fulfill a request. Pausing also implies waiting and will emphasize that you are waiting for the request to be fulfilled.

Use conditional abbreviations

Introduce one or two code words into your communication as a reminder instead of repeating the entire request. If you agree that your child brings dishes to the sink after eating, then you do not need to repeat the entire rule and explain it every time. Try saying, “Baby, plate!” instead. Sometimes one phrase is all they need.

Agree with your child what answer you expect. Practice

Sometimes the child hears you perfectly well, and is even going to answer, and even fulfill your request after he finishes his business, but he is silent. He simply doesn’t know how to let you understand this, so you don’t get anything in response: not a look, not a word. Just like you taught them to say “please” and “thank you,” you need to teach them to say yes when you ask them to do something.

Tell your child what kind of reaction you would like: “yes, mom” or just “ok”.

Practice some stupid requests and have some fun at the same time:

“Baby, please put your red hat on the teddy bear.” - Yes mom!

- Please spin around and sing a song.

- OK, Mom!

Such a small game will help the child get used to the new rule.

Discuss your expectations in advance if you are going into an unfamiliar environment.

Before going to a new place where difficult situations may arise for your child, you should tell him in advance what you expect from him.

“My two-year-old son and I recently started attending a music class, and I quickly realized that he did not understand the difference between dancing, running and galloping,” Klemer tells her story. “Since there were even younger children in the class, this caused problems. A week after the first lesson, we danced calmer dances and discussed how important it is to walk calmly while in music class. I warned my son that if he suddenly forgets about correct behavior, I will remind him with the code phrase “let’s walk.” Since we were actively practicing at home, the next lesson went much better. My son knew what I wanted, immediately understood after my reminder and easily did what was required,” she says.

So, repeating the same thing several times is useless: it doesn’t work. But this is not a reason to be upset, but an additional incentive to master more effective communication techniques. If you make small changes in the way you ask your child to do things, your relationship with your loved one will become less irritable and will bring more warmth, understanding and true closeness. And also be an example for your child: respond to his requests, do not ignore them.

Play

The game is an amazing thing. For example, your child takes all the toys in the house, throws them on the floor, runs over them, tramples them and throws them. It is very difficult to look at this without sedatives, and your heart clench every time you silently collect the toys in the basket, sigh from powerlessness and repeat: “Put the toys away!”, then “Put the toys away immediately!”, and finally with irritation - “How long can I ask you to put away the toys?!” What if you try, for example, and suddenly pretend to cry when another bear falls to the floor again? And say: “This is a bear, he’s in a lot of pain!” Look, I think he’s crying with me.” Of course, at the age of 12 these games will not work, but at an early stage the image of a “crying bear” will remain in the child’s mind for a long time. The house will be clean and tidy. And the child will hear it the first time.

By the way, fairy tales can also be attributed to the moment of the game. Tell and compose them together with your child, and let one of the characters look like your baby.

In this way, you can direct various situations in the direction you need.

Useful tips

We looked at what needs to be done if a child does not listen in typical situations. However, there are general recommendations that will be useful to all parents. And it doesn’t matter how old the child is - 3, 5, 8 or 9 years old.

Reduce the number of prohibitions, leaving them for really serious situations. In this case, the number of punishments will immediately decrease.
If an 8-year-old child does not listen, and you are used to solving problems by shouting, try to calm down and make comments in a calm tone.
If your child does not listen because he is engrossed, try to attract his attention not by shouting, but, on the contrary, by whispering, facial expressions or gestures. The interlocutor will have to listen, willy-nilly.
Don't voice your demands over and over again. First, simply warn the child to stop playing around, then a disciplinary measure follows. And after the punishment, the reason for such strict measures is explained.
Try not to use the particle “NOT” in your speech. This advice is based on the idea that children do not perceive a negative particle, literally taking the request as a guide to action.
If children are hysterical, there is no need to appeal to their reason at this moment. Calm down yourself, confirm your demand again without raising your voice. This happens more at 8 or 9 years old, but with young children a distraction maneuver will work.
Be consistent in your actions, demands and promises. Also enlist the support of your spouse and grandparents. Consistency will not allow you to disorient the child, who will have no reason to behave provocatively.
Try to spend more time communicating with your children. Moreover, it is not the number of minutes that is important, but the quality of interaction.
Prepare yourself mentally for the inevitable growing up. The child grows, he needs more independence to realize his desires and plans. Ensure this independence whenever possible.
Show genuine interest. Find out what your grown-up child is doing. Perhaps his favorite films are not so superficial, and the music is quite melodic.

Find out how to properly punish a child from an article by a child psychologist. It also describes constructive methods of punishment.

If a child at 10 years old or 2 years old does not listen after many months of effort on your part, it is better to consult a psychologist.

Forget the words “no” and “impossible”

A child carries dog food to kindergarten and eats it during a walk... It seems that in this situation you can’t do without strict prohibitions and the word “impossible,” but you still try. You can, for example, eat a little food with your child and then spit all evening, say that your stomach hurts, you feel sick and, apparently, this is serious poisoning. Most likely, the child will be scared, and this will save him from a bad habit, but you will do without using the words “no” and “no” in your speech that irritate the baby.

By the way, it’s also better to forget rhetorical questions like “How long will you be...?”

Psychologists say that children react even more vividly to such questions. Thus, parents' speech should be positive, specific and reasoned, as well as kind, but in no way ironic.

We feel sorry for mom

It’s such a pity for those parents who just can’t cope with an uncontrollable child. You can often hear unpleasant words addressed to the mother of a little fidget. People around them consider such mothers to be indifferent to raising their own child, unable to influence him, calm him down, or explain the rules of behavior. It’s easy to say that: after all, this is someone else’s child. It is difficult for others to put themselves in the mother’s place. And when you put it on, you can only feel insane tension, fatigue, and despair.

Depending on the psychological characteristics of the mother, she may perceive the child’s uncontrollable behavior differently. One of them will react to stress with protective inhibition, outwardly showing indifference, but internally being very worried. Another mother, on the contrary, will control every step of the tomboy, feeling annoyed and showing irritability. Both styles are far from the best options.

When a mother is ashamed of her child’s violent behavior, this is a sure sign. She realizes the problem, tries to find a way out of it, looks for reasons in herself. If the mother justifies the child in everything he does, blaming caregivers, teachers, children and other surroundings for the existing problems, then she does not perceive the situation adequately. Such a mother has a distorted idea of social norms of behavior; she is unable to change the situation for the better. This mother will easily instill in her child the idea of the hostility of the world, sowing fears in his soul. And hyperactive children are already characterized by increased anxiety.

In any case, others should treat with understanding a mother who has such a problem child, because this is not an easy test. And the optimal way to start solving a problem for a mother should be love for the child, however, not thoughtless, but aimed at positive upbringing.

Unexpected repetitions

Children grow up, but the rules don't change. Repeat what you agreed on before, using the same methods, but in different situations, from a different angle, under different conditions and in a different emotional environment from the previous ones.

The wishes of the parents will definitely be heard and will remain with the child forever.

Life will throw up many difficult questions, but subconsciously people will look for answers to them, remembering what their parents once told them.

Why doesn't your child listen to you?

Often, for no apparent reason, your child begins to be capricious and do everything contrary.
What is the reason? The answer to this question will help you find out a new test from I am a Parent Take the test

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Prohibitions

A child aged 4 years old needs to be regularly reminded of what is and is not allowed. At this time, the baby begins to assimilate norms of behavior and morality.

“No” is a word that is not recommended for frequent use. Many prohibitions can fetter a child and slow down his cognitive development.

For children of this age, the requirements should be unquestioning and brief:

It is forbidden to run away from adults on the road - this is risky;
It is forbidden to offend animals - they are alive;
prohibited - this is bad.

Of course, the list of prohibited actions can be continued indefinitely; everything is individual and depends on the foundations in your family. The main thing is to remember: all household members must follow and know the accepted rules.